Thursday, May 14, 2009

Dummies' Guide to the Indy 500

That once a year phenomenon is upon us! In addition to the very easy and clear rules set forth by the Indianapolis Motor Speedway found here, here are my tips to survive and thrive in Indy next weekend:

Camping/Thronging- If you’re camping around the track, or thronging along Georgetown on Saturday night, it WILL be noisy until 3:30am, dirty or very likely muddy with all manner of fluids, crowded, and any portocans within a 1 mile perimeter will be demand the utmost courage to use. If this isn't your scene or can't stomach the potential for people-watching (like 'waiting for the trainwreck'-type watching) that this has, don't bother.

Gear Selection- Standard issue would have you prepared for any weather from bright sun to pouring rain and any temps from 40 to 90 degrees. One crucial item is all too often overlooked however is the cooler. Until the UN demands an immediate halt to styrofoam cooler manufacturing worldwide, there will be two shirtless clowns toting a beer in one hand while sharing the load of an overloaded styro cooler with the other. Without fail, said cooler will break amidst the eager throngs walking on a crowded sidewalk to the track on raceday. Attempting this fool’s feat risks public humiliation, or worse, losing all of your beer before the race.

Eating- Under no circumstance, no matter how hungry, drunk, silly, or tough you think you may be, I advise VERY strongly against eating the Giant Turkey Leg. Trust me, personal reference on this one.

Race Watching- There will be ALL manner of people (some who appear to be circus folk, in some cases) in multitudinous amounts - everywhere. Understand that you WILL have someone annoying, obnoxious, hairy, sweaty, or any combination thereof sitting near you. If not, consider yourself lucky. Also count yourself lucky if the women’s breasts you see don’t remind you of the long-term effects of a sedentary lifestyle, a history of breastfeeding, or gravity.

Exiting- The worst of all traffic won't be found trying to get into the Speedway, but out from after the race. Be patient. Relax, because you're not going anywhere for a few hours anyhow. Spend a while in the stands after the race. Watch the winner go by in the pace car. Get some pictures of the Greatest Racecourse in the World. Get some pictures of that obnoxious guy near you that passed out and is sunburned beyond belief.

PS - Remember to enjoy yourself and that 350,000 others are trying to do the same. It's a big day, but one to remember always.

PPS Damn, I love Indy. It’s a beautiful thing.

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