(music director, cue - Hurt, sung by Johnny Cash)
"I hurt myself last night, just to see if I could feel"...
No, I'm not suffering through a severe drug addiction to which the lyrics refer, and by no means am I trying to compare my latest incident with the severity of struggling with drug addiction, but by just muddling through the semi-mundane task of changing a light bulb, I hurt myself last night.
This is no ordinary bulb mind you. It's the one, single bulb in the house that requires bravery, faith, and aplomb. It's the one in the ceiling above the open stairway from the first to second floor. I hurt myself last night by managing to fall off the ladder. The results of my fall were spectacularly slight in regard to my physical injuries. I like to think it's because, at the moment when I realized i was going to fall, I attempted to jump backwards from the ladder back to the relative safety of the stair landing, just a couple of feet below my feet. The mental damage has yet to be fully assessed.
"What have I become?"...
Aplomb - Physical requirements are relatively small; set up ladder, climb ladder, remove old bulb, install new bulb, climb down ladder, consider celebratory beer. Growing up in a construction family, this is hardly uncharted territory.
Faith - The only significant variable (myself aside) in this scenario is the ladder's strength and capability. 350 pounds? I've yet to shed my 'winter coat', but I'm well under 60% of the ladder's load rating.
Bravery - To attempt this little feat, I will need to bravely conquer my fear of falling. Not fear of heights, but falling. Getting up in the air takes a little getting used to if you don't do it regularly, but I'm far from out of the realm of my experience here.
"Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear"...
After returning to upright following my failed attempt, I can say my confidence was well shook. I've never recognized those feelings in my physical self before. As a boy who grew up playing all kinds of sports, I feel I am acutely aware of the level of confidence in my physical skills and body control. My brain knows I can easily do this task, yet I managed to fall and injure myself. My psyche was in sudden conflict with the pain reports flooding in from various areas of my body. I seriously cannot believe what just happened.
What was the variable, the intangible, that conspired against me? My own lack of care apparently. The ladder I used was the telescoping kind which, when extended, relies on each segment to be fully locked out to become a solid climbing platform. At the time, I even noted some uneasiness (6th sense type of warning) despite having used this ladder several times with no ill effect.
Believing in my careful set-up, I apparently managed to have one segment not fully locked out. When loading it as I climbed up to the 6th rung, it began to telescope back into the next lower segment, albeit just a slight bobble/slide down of about 2 inches, but knowing how this ladder works, I knew the next motion would be a continued collapse of the lower segments and major injuries immediately following.
Projecting imminent failure of support, I immediately bailed off the ladder, with one foot slipping on the rung I attempted to jump from, throwing me off-balance and my left arm striking the square stair landing corner post directly on the funny bone nerve. Assorted bodily contacts with said ladder, railing, wall, who knows what else later, I ultimately grounded myself on the stair landing. I had fallen only approximately 24 inches, but the the instant pain and numbness shooting up my left arm from elbow to fingertips lead me to believe that I had broken something.
As is always wise during any type of fall, I fought the instinct to 'pop up' as if nothing happened. I lay there for a moment while my kids rushed from their second floor rooms to discover me face-up and grimacing on the landing. I assessed my left arm and quickly found it to be nothing worse than a hard, hard contact of the largest unprotected nerve in the human body, with the efficiently strong and equally sharp Oak stair rail post cap.
My injuries are slight, although still felt today and likely on through the weekend. But as I lay on the floor for that 20 seconds or so. I felt like an old, old man. 'Old' like coming to the realization that I may not be totally capable of doing everything I could do 20 years ago. 10 years ago. 5 years. 2 years. In that moment I felt inescapably 'over the hill'.
"If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way"...
Now, a full 16 hours later, I am disappointed, hurt, thankful, regretful, sorry, resigned, angry, frustrated, and enlightened, all at the same time. Is this the seminal feeling of growing older and doing the inevitable 'downhill slide'? I don't like it. Not one... single... bit. I am now fearing an aging process that I will fight rather than embrace. I don't like this feeling and I don't like aging,
Goddamnitall.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Friday, March 20, 2009
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A Compendium of DZ's All-Time Favorites, Part 1
There has been too, too much going on since my last post to even know where to begin, so I'll simplify the process by not posting any of it and getting on with other things.
I've dabbled with the 'favorites' themed post a few ago but now I thought it prudent to just give my list of all things favorite with no particular order or category. These are items that without question are indellibly etched into me as of this day, 2008.
Favorite Year of my life - 1987. I'm 19, turning 20 - ending sophomore, starting junior year of college. I've got college figured out. I've got the essentials of friendships, fun, cars, food, and females all figured out (what more could there be?). To this point, I've never had such a mature (read muscular) physique and I feel like any task physical, mental, or emotional is totally covered. IU wins the NCAA Basketball Championship. My favorite Indycar driver, Al Unser, wins his fourth Indy 500 in spectacular and legendary style. I meet my sports hero, Dr. J, in person and get a pic and an autograph. Oh, I could go on, but I won't... At that time, those sorts of events were paramount in my psyche.
Favorite TV Show - Hmmm tough one, but I'll go with Seinfeld edging Friends in a photo finish. I could watch those shows anytime, anywhere, over and over, and still enjoy them immensely. As a kid, I rarely missed ZOOM, Mr. Rogers, and The Electric Company. Also, I think I may have every single punch line to Bugs Bunny cartoons memorized.
Favorite Food - Pizza. No questions asked.
Favorite Beverage - Again a tie, Milk and Fresca. Not together of course.
Favorite Movie - Caddyshack comes to the top of this sort of list quite often, but The Big Lebowski is often right there of the modern flicks.
Favorite Car - Hmmm, several come to mind... Porsche 911 - Mid 1980s with the 'whale tail'. Nothing else seemed to wrap performance, luxury, esteem, and function in a tighter package.
Favorite car I've ever driven - 2004 Panoz Indycar
(at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway no less).
Favorite Sports Event - Indianapolis 500. Another 'no questions asked' item.
Favorite Season - Spring. So much I like about what happens during Spring just edges out Summer.
Favorite Color - Blue.
Favorite Jelly Bean - Black.
I'll stop there for now. More to come later on this subject but for those who need extremely-last-minute Christmas gifts for me, here's your help. If Indy 500 tickets or an Indycar driving session is out of your budget, I'd gladly settle for a 1/2 pound of all black jelly beans. I'm not sharing either.
Favorite TV Show - Hmmm tough one, but I'll go with Seinfeld edging Friends in a photo finish. I could watch those shows anytime, anywhere, over and over, and still enjoy them immensely. As a kid, I rarely missed ZOOM, Mr. Rogers, and The Electric Company. Also, I think I may have every single punch line to Bugs Bunny cartoons memorized.
Favorite Food - Pizza. No questions asked.
Favorite Beverage - Again a tie, Milk and Fresca. Not together of course.
Favorite Movie - Caddyshack comes to the top of this sort of list quite often, but The Big Lebowski is often right there of the modern flicks.
Favorite Car - Hmmm, several come to mind... Porsche 911 - Mid 1980s with the 'whale tail'. Nothing else seemed to wrap performance, luxury, esteem, and function in a tighter package.
Favorite car I've ever driven - 2004 Panoz Indycar
(at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway no less).
Favorite Sports Event - Indianapolis 500. Another 'no questions asked' item.
Favorite Season - Spring. So much I like about what happens during Spring just edges out Summer.
Favorite Color - Blue.
Favorite Jelly Bean - Black.
I'll stop there for now. More to come later on this subject but for those who need extremely-last-minute Christmas gifts for me, here's your help. If Indy 500 tickets or an Indycar driving session is out of your budget, I'd gladly settle for a 1/2 pound of all black jelly beans. I'm not sharing either.
Friday, July 18, 2008
2 Qs - quantity and quality..
Ahhhh, well, so anyway, back to life...
Neither a post to complete the holiday weekend passed nor a vacation summary. I thank you for not judging my lack of persistence with the previous posts.
Suffice to say both were quite enjoyable, well-paced, and the details of which are too numerous and minute to make for good reading (I'd like to think no matter the writing talent).
The chief result that seems to be most noticeable by my friends is that I have a nice tan, my hair got even more blonde, and my most recent facial hairstyle has returned albeit in the warmth of summer, not in the dead of winter.
I've had more compliments on my appearance in the past 48 hours than in the previous 4 months combined. Hate to say it, but having a tan, while detrimental to skin life (or in worst cases even life in general), makes a difference in how people see you. White and pasty is apparently no way to go through life.
It begs the questions about quality of life versus quantity. I think it fair to say that everyone would obviously love to maximize both variables, but in practice the two are frequently inversely related. Think of your basic XY graph - where the X-axis (vertical) is Quality, the Y-axis (horizontal) is Quantity, and the line charted on the graph represents at what levels the two variables meet. I imagine for the 96% of people who fall in the first two standard deviations of a typical Bell Curve, the measurements would look something like this:
An example of this would be the use of sunscreen. My instinct and knowledge insist that, given my genetics, I need to wear sunscreen if I plan on being in the sun for more than about 30 minutes with no base tan of any sort. I followed through on that during the first 3 of the 6 days of vacation. The last 3 I opted for shade or clothing as a screen, albeit only after having actively participated in pool and beach activities for over 3 hours. I wasn't quite burnt, but mildly tender to the touch. If a bad sunburn (peeling/blistering possible) could be called 'well-done', let's say I was somewhere between 'medium' and 'medium rare'.
Even at the time, I noted my own guilt for being averse to the heavily-fragranced, time-consuming, and partner-requiring lotion applications, although for my kids, I made it a priority. So much for modeling good behavior, eh? The guilt was washed away, however, by the desire to enjoy myself without the concern for personal skin health. To me, I guess a vacation must include an amount of release from worry and fears at a potential cost down the road.
That's just what I did, and I enjoyed it. Quality 1 - Quantity 0. Since Quantity is a constant unknown, but Quality is frequently measured and monitored, I'd say that for the first two standard deviations of American folk, Quality will continue to be more heavily-weighed in decision making.
On an aside, I noticed that the curve also has similarities with the profile of a roller-coaster drop. Coincedence? Life is not a highway Mr. Cochran, it's a roller-coaster.
(Edit: Okay, so privately I've just been made aware that the x-axis is the horizontal and the y-axis is the vertical, not switched as I have them above. I totally knew that too and was surprised I had made that error as most people have an understanding that my brain contains wayyyy too much trivia such as the specific labels of an XY graph. Damn failing memory parts.)
Neither a post to complete the holiday weekend passed nor a vacation summary. I thank you for not judging my lack of persistence with the previous posts.
Suffice to say both were quite enjoyable, well-paced, and the details of which are too numerous and minute to make for good reading (I'd like to think no matter the writing talent).
The chief result that seems to be most noticeable by my friends is that I have a nice tan, my hair got even more blonde, and my most recent facial hairstyle has returned albeit in the warmth of summer, not in the dead of winter.
I've had more compliments on my appearance in the past 48 hours than in the previous 4 months combined. Hate to say it, but having a tan, while detrimental to skin life (or in worst cases even life in general), makes a difference in how people see you. White and pasty is apparently no way to go through life.
It begs the questions about quality of life versus quantity. I think it fair to say that everyone would obviously love to maximize both variables, but in practice the two are frequently inversely related. Think of your basic XY graph - where the X-axis (vertical) is Quality, the Y-axis (horizontal) is Quantity, and the line charted on the graph represents at what levels the two variables meet. I imagine for the 96% of people who fall in the first two standard deviations of a typical Bell Curve, the measurements would look something like this:
An example of this would be the use of sunscreen. My instinct and knowledge insist that, given my genetics, I need to wear sunscreen if I plan on being in the sun for more than about 30 minutes with no base tan of any sort. I followed through on that during the first 3 of the 6 days of vacation. The last 3 I opted for shade or clothing as a screen, albeit only after having actively participated in pool and beach activities for over 3 hours. I wasn't quite burnt, but mildly tender to the touch. If a bad sunburn (peeling/blistering possible) could be called 'well-done', let's say I was somewhere between 'medium' and 'medium rare'.
Even at the time, I noted my own guilt for being averse to the heavily-fragranced, time-consuming, and partner-requiring lotion applications, although for my kids, I made it a priority. So much for modeling good behavior, eh? The guilt was washed away, however, by the desire to enjoy myself without the concern for personal skin health. To me, I guess a vacation must include an amount of release from worry and fears at a potential cost down the road.
That's just what I did, and I enjoyed it. Quality 1 - Quantity 0. Since Quantity is a constant unknown, but Quality is frequently measured and monitored, I'd say that for the first two standard deviations of American folk, Quality will continue to be more heavily-weighed in decision making.
On an aside, I noticed that the curve also has similarities with the profile of a roller-coaster drop. Coincedence? Life is not a highway Mr. Cochran, it's a roller-coaster.
(Edit: Okay, so privately I've just been made aware that the x-axis is the horizontal and the y-axis is the vertical, not switched as I have them above. I totally knew that too and was surprised I had made that error as most people have an understanding that my brain contains wayyyy too much trivia such as the specific labels of an XY graph. Damn failing memory parts.)
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