Wednesday, August 20, 2008

For Tea Won


Yep, two days ago was my birthday. 41 as the title alludes to.

The title reminds me of the phonetic cipher-type of righting I oh-kay-shun-alley like two yous.

Hear gose,

For tea won. Knot a tree-men-does numb-her, butt won that is plant-he big form-hee. Eye guest-hat Eye half know choice, buh-tit seams a caws four paws. War-and-tee has run out Eye sup-hose sew it's kare-full may-ten-ants from hear awn out. Know two much drink-hee, or eat-hee, or play-hee an-heem-ore. 'Eye had m-eye fun and now my tie-him is dun' as the sawn-glee-rick goes. Oke-hay, Eye am ghett-hing tie-erd oft-his. Baah-k two sum nor-mull righting.

Ah, that's muuuch easier. And easier is welcomed in my advancing age. Junior geezer, is the name I've given the age range beyond 40 and below 50. Hope you don't walk on my lawn or you'll get the wrath of me - the newest junior geezer.

Till necks tie-hm...

Monday, August 11, 2008

Onion skins

While I very much enjoy the absurdity of The Onion, I'm fairly certain I could also write these stories. Maybe everyone thinks they are gifted with the requisite sardonic wit as well, but I really think if someone actually gets paid and makes a satisfactory living from it, I'm quite sure I've got a potential career path change just waiting for me. Here are some sample headlines I've just created in the last 4 minutes:

Gingivitis Rampant Among Shark Population
Sao Paulo Mental Health Center to Remove Brazil Nuts from Menu
Airlines Says Oxygen Mask Deployment Still Free of Charge
Nike Debuts new Ultra-wide Shoes named Air Gout

I'm quite sure a fabricated story could be written by me within about 10 minutes for any of these headlines.

I'm not trying to sound conceited - the question I'm trying to pose is, how hard can working for The Onion really be? Sounds like fun don't it?

Since my last name begins with a 'Z', I was always relegated to the back of the seating chart from elementary through high school and even some college classes. I surmise that, in a double-stroke of fortune, I also had quite good eyesight which allowed me the ability to learn from a distance and the freedom to goof around in the back row. I'm guessing many of the Onion staffers may have similar educational experiences.

Here's one more faux headline before I sign off:

New Onion Staffer Writes Story Bereft of Humour, Gets Fired, Returns to Blogging